Some Type of Meltdown

You would think that by me moving and having more time to myself, I would be able to focus and clear my mind. Wrong, so wrong. Instead, I just get more time to dwell on my thoughts and continue to feel sorry for myself. I fucking HATE me. 

I need some type of help, because I know that there's NOTHING I can do to stop feeling this way. I hate it. I thought (especially after yesterday) that I was done feeling the way I do, but I guess I just lied to myself... again. Every little thing has been setting me off today... I thought I was happy again. I was feeling truthful again. Now I just feel fucking stupid. 

Yesterday, I tried to come out to someone... 
That blew up in my face. :(

I don't think I've cried that hard in a long time... and still crying...

It helps to have someone to talk to about it... (thank you, btw) but I don't like throwing my emotions onto other people. UGH, I'm doing it now, I know. But I don't know where else to go. I can't talk about this to anyone in person... 

Nothing I can do. I thought that being here would help me. 

But now I don't want to be here... 

No, I refuse to see anybody about my "problem" because I'm embarrassed... and I'm ashamed. 

How I'm going to deal with this, I have no idea. As of right now, I have a giant lump of depression in my throat and I can't swallow it. 

If I don't write back for a few days, it's because I'm to pissed to put my feelings into words. 

Not to sound dumb or anything, but I can't believe how bad it hurts to deal with this.


Anonymous said...

I hate to be "the voice of experience" but maybe you really need to talk to someone professional about your problems/issues. Because it won't go away and it might just build up to a big ball of evil that eventually will blow up on you if you keep ignoring it! If you do also see to that you talk to someone with experience in dealing with your specific issues and that you have a connection. I went to a therapist that wasn't capable/competent in helping me with my specific issues, it wasn't until the seventh (very expensive) session until she admitted that.

Happy Holidays!

Seth said...

Coming out to someone is a big step. If you want, share some more about that "blowing up in your face" - what happened? How did you approach it? I'm sure some of your readers can give you more advice on that.

Anonymous is also right - and I will add that you don't have to be embarassed and ashamed. You CAN share something with someone - it may feel incredibly awkward at first, but they will make you feel comfortable - and getting things off your chest is incredibly cathartic. They don't judge you, and if you find a good one, they can really help you make some progress. And that begins the road to healing, to changing things for the better.

Anyway enough blah-blah from me. Seriously look into it - start with an LCSW or psychologist, research a bit, feel one out on the phone, make an appointment. There are never any commitments (pardon the pun) you can go once and never go back, but you'll never know until you make the first effort.

Sounds like you've got the holiday blues like alot of the other bloggers out there, and lots of people in general. Perhaps some real depression - and that needs to be treated. Like a tumor or something, its better if you find it, and fight it, early on. The longer you let stress and emotions and feelings build up inside you, the worse you get. And then you'll be like me, 32 and still dealing with shit. LOL. That was just my semi-serious warning. :)

So anyway, as always, if you need to talk or email, feel free. And don't just deal with things alone, its never easy and definitely not fun.


Have a wonderful holiday if you're not going to blog between now and then. :)

Lost in Confusion said...

Thanks for the advice you guys! I'm just so bad at expressing myself... I don't know how I could do it to a 'specialist.'

I should be able to handle this by myself, but its just too damn difficult.

One of my friends just came out to me recently, maybe I should start with her. But the thing is, she's best friends with my ex girl friend. And her first boyfriend ended up coming out of the closet sometime two years ago. I would just add to the list... and I think her current boyfriend is gay. lol


I think i'm going to tell my friend. She'll know what to do from there. Thanks you guys

Venting online actually does some good for me. :)

Wow, am I bi-polar or what ? hah

Lost in Confusion said...

Happy Holidays to you guys too :)

TNC said...

Glad that you sound less upset. Know that you are going through a process complete with highs and lows. You might have just hit a new low. It is normal to feel the way you do, because people handle difficult situations the best they know how at the time. Validate and acknowledge your emotions right now. When you know better, you will do better. And this only comes with experience of both highs and lows.

Try not to lose sight of the larger process you are going through and have the hope that things will get better. When things hit rock bottom, they can only get better, right? You will grow stronger once you overcome the referenced blow out.

Steevo said...

hey lost...
u r so fucking normal it is incredible!!! [nice start huh?]

see my point? You seem to think u r the only one going thru it. YOU ARE NOT!!! It's life for gay boys!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Been there done that. Had a shirt but wore it out... you can guess how. LOL

Talk to someone. Start at school. They must have counselors. Get online. look for gay youth resources in Seattle. Must have a ton of them.

Do not try to handle this alone. Wont work. Feeling ashamed is not helpful.. Have you explained why u r ashamed or how?

The mood swings are normal added onto normal hormonal changes. At 18 your body/brain is still developing. And if u started puberty later than most of your guy friends... well that is an issue too.

One good idea is to have a complete head to toe physical from a competent pediatrician. You may be 18, but that's what is best.

And be honest with him. 100%. If you dont like him tell him why. Speak up. Get some balls here, fella!! XD Find a young one too/ Like 35 or so. Someone u relate to easily. They deal with guys in your situation all th time. I KNOW!!! They will not judge you.

You may have physical issues you are not aware of that make all this a lot worse on you.

steevo in cali

Mr. HCI said...

You should never be ashamed for something over which you have no control. I know, easier said than done!

As Steevo said, you are so not alone! Look around you and anywhere from one-in-twenty to one-in-ten people (and probably more, IMO) are also gay or bi.

I know how you feel about not seeing anyone out of embarrassment. I didn't get up the nerve to do that until I was 28 and, even then, it took me about four visits before I would admit to the therapist why I was there. Having someone to talk to helped immensely, even though I was terrified.

There should be a counselor at your school you could talk to and they would be required by law to keep confidential anything you discuss.

If you don't want to be seen seeing a counselor at school, check out Lambert House on Capitol Hill (I just found it via Google). Their calendar shows they have a Boys Group discussion forum on Thursday nights. If it's anything like YouthPride in Atlanta, where my husband and I volunteer, the discussion forums are a good way to meet other folks your age and talk about stuff in a safe environment. It's also a good way to meet guys outside the typically trashy and soulless bar scene.

David said...

everyone's got great advice here so i'll just stick with:

hang in there! everything will be ok. just take small steps.

happy new year!

naturgesetz said...

steevo knows what he's talking about, and you've had some great advice here.

One thing you should remember is that the professionals you talk to will not be shocked or disapproving. They've heard it all before. That's what makes it possible for them to understand what's a problem and what's not, and to help you deal with the problems.

Dealing with your "problems" all by yourself is like trying to reinvent the automobile. Maybe you can do it, but there's no need to give yourself all that work when cars are already being made.

And please, don't hate yourself. Don't hate yourself for something that is not your doing. Don't hate yourself for trying to do something useful and not having it work out the way you hoped. From what you've told us, you're not a bad guy, and you don't deserve hate from yourself or anyone else.

naturgesetz said...


I'm nowhere near qualified to say whether you are clinically depressed or just unhappy. Neither is good. But clinical depression, i understand, is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, so what you need is something which corrects the brain chemistry. All the talking in the world, all the friendly advice, won't fix it, if that's the problem.

One more reason to talk to some professional.

I hope you'll find whatever it takes to feel better about yourself.


Aek said...

You're not the only that feels that way. I'm sure we've all felt it at some point or another. You can talk to any one of us bloggers online. It helps. :)

Here's wishing you the best. *hugs*

Steevo said...

So OK here are some questions and the answers might help us all suggest how to deal with the way things r for u.

1. Do you think your dad knows or suspects that you are gay?

2. Has he sed or done anything to indicate how he might react if/when u tell him truth? ------ You know like $300 gift certificate to A&F** or the local "undies r us" outlet?

3. How out r u to yourself? By that I mean have you simply accepted the fact that you are attracted sexually and emotionally to other males?

Or are you still kinda pissed that you got the queer gene? Wherever you are is really fine. This aint always gonna be a piece of cake. Sorta like life in general at your age for most people.

3. How is the relationship between you and yer dad?

Of course you can decline to answer some or all of these questions. I'm not being nosy, just trying to expedite some help and support for you.

hugs galore... I heard on NPR news that Seattle is having or soon will have another killer storm. *We aren't in SoCal anymore, Toto puppy-wuppy!*

**Ambercrombie & Finch: Fashion destination for queers like me. [I never shop there. I'm upset that Mervyns closed!] I have no idea where the twinks and emos shop.


steevo [no slave to fashion]