They Say...

They say you learn something new everyday, right? 

Well, I recently discovered from 'Coffee' guy that there are different names for different types of Tie formations. Like a suit and a tie, tie. Get it? 

Haha! So he told me that the way I tie Ties is called the 'Prince Albert' tie. Ohhh... funny. Haha

So yeah, Every time I go to work, I sport a stylish Prince Albert for everyone to see. =D

Ohh. I crack myself up

Breathe Me -- Sia

I cannot get this song out of my head!

Such a great song! My favorite part is the major Cello action at about 4:30. Wow.

Sia sure does look crazy, but her voice is fantastic. 

By the way...

Happy Holidays Everyone :)

Whoops..

I just got off the phone with 'coffee date' and he said he has been in bed sick for the past couple days... oops... haha hope I didn't give him my cold. 

Anywho, more postings to follow later. I wanted to go over some things that I addressed in the previous post.

Until Then,

DL

Some Type of Meltdown

You would think that by me moving and having more time to myself, I would be able to focus and clear my mind. Wrong, so wrong. Instead, I just get more time to dwell on my thoughts and continue to feel sorry for myself. I fucking HATE me. 

I need some type of help, because I know that there's NOTHING I can do to stop feeling this way. I hate it. I thought (especially after yesterday) that I was done feeling the way I do, but I guess I just lied to myself... again. Every little thing has been setting me off today... I thought I was happy again. I was feeling truthful again. Now I just feel fucking stupid. 

Yesterday, I tried to come out to someone... 

That blew up in my face. :(

I don't think I've cried that hard in a long time... and still crying...

It helps to have someone to talk to about it... (thank you, btw) but I don't like throwing my emotions onto other people. UGH, I'm doing it now, I know. But I don't know where else to go. I can't talk about this to anyone in person... 

Nothing I can do. I thought that being here would help me. 

But now I don't want to be here... 

No, I refuse to see anybody about my "problem" because I'm embarrassed... and I'm ashamed. 

How I'm going to deal with this, I have no idea. As of right now, I have a giant lump of depression in my throat and I can't swallow it. 

If I don't write back for a few days, it's because I'm to pissed to put my feelings into words. 

Not to sound dumb or anything, but I can't believe how bad it hurts to deal with this.

Snow

Seems to be a heated topic right now on the West Coast!

(pun intended)

Sooo... like any other person that hardly EVER gets to experience a "true winter," I took some pictures! 

Hope they are to your liking :)

Also... they're WAY to big. I know, but I already resized them and I don't feel like doing it again. Hahaha 

If somebody knows a faster way to resize all of your pictures, please let me know.

I love coffee...

My coffee date went amazing! Good thing I had the house to myself tonight! haha

Great night, looking forward to this weekend. =)

First Day at the New School

I can't even describe this place. Really neat campus, covered in snow this freezing cold morning.

It feels good to be the new guy. All eyes on me :P

See...

In a previous post, "The Good and The Bad," I quickly said this was my 14th school. My family moves... frequently. It's normal to move maybe twice or three times per school year. We try to stay in the same city, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. I have absolutely no control over where we move, and I've come to accept that. I've lived in California for most of my life, but have lived in Vegas, Seattle, and Iowa. 

I'm happy that my parents decided to make me start over in a new place, yet sad that they made me leave at such a crucial point in my life. I'm a senior in High School and I'm trying to set up my life. They know that I'm having difficulties, but I refuse to let them in. I can't tell them that the reason I've been acting so different lately is because I want to be myself. But I can't. :/ ugh. 

No more moving for me. At least, not until I move to the campus for college. 

Anywho... it's so cold here! Currently 24 degrees! Someone come and keep me warm =)

Looking forward to the snow on Wednesday night! The mountains are COVERED with powder! Skiing next week probably! 

OH! I met someone yesterday... he's really handsome and really nice. Coffee plans later this week. Lets see how it goes :)

Until My Next Random Thought,

DL

Great...

Now I'm the bad guy. Just when I thought I could be honest with myself and the people I care about...

I feel so stupid, and so ashamed. But you can't be a hypocrite. 

I'm braking rules... but not in the way that you would think.

Stuck. Great.

Fuck

Chinga Mi Vida

The Good and The Bad

So, it has been 11 days since my last blog-fession. *a word??

There has been so much shit flying around, its ridiculous. 

1. My parents decided, since I've been so down lately, that it might be best if I finished school in Seattle. I was told this on Tuesday night and I was gone by that Sunday. I can't believe that my parents made me move HALF WAY through my senior year! But they said that it was "for the best" and I give all my faith into the hands of my parents, and if they say it will help me, then I will accept it and go with it. As much as I REALLY didn't want to leave, there was nothing I could do about it.  The good that will come of these decisions will be fantastic and hopefully help me to further understand myself, etc. 

2. My moms best friend came up to me, while I was in bed chatting with a gay friend, and decided to bombard me with questions. She told me that it was okay for me to tell her anything and how she would never tell my parents and blahh blahh blahh... Then she started asking me if I knew why I had been so depressed recently and I instantly made up this total bullshit story about a girl and grades. That didn't stop her. The second she said "I think I know what's been messing with your life," I almost shit my pants. Was she really going to assume and ask me if I was gay?? I barely even know this lady! Why the FUCK would I come out to her?! Anywho... she said that she's seen this pattern before (yeah, I'm not stupid) and that she thinks I might be gay. I just denied it and gave good examples of why I was straight. I hate lying about this, but really? Is it any of your fucking business? Why the hell would I tell you if I'm gay? Seriously. So after our "heart to heart" she left and I went back to chatting. I feel really heartless for saying it like this, but I know that me being gay and not telling anybody is why I've been acting the way I've been. Blogging is my way of coming out, one step at a time.

3. Saying Goodbye. That pretty much sums that up.

4. Beginning Anew. I know that by being here I will stay much more focused with my academics and it gives me a chance to start out... OUT. kinda. I'm not sure if I want to do that, yet. If not, there's still college, right? So this is school number 14. Lets hope I can pull myself together and not fuck this one up. :)

Thank You guys who commented my other posts. All commentary is greatly appreciated and taken note of. You guys are some of my only connections to the "Real World," one that You can be You and don't have to worry about anything. I want that, and one day I'll have the guts to do what I need to do to achieve it. But for now, I'm just gonna stick to this.

Until Then,

-- DL

Being Gay...

..Is ruining my life.

I wish I was straight. Having to hide all this bullshit is so hard.

Is there anyone out there having the same difficulties as me? Not coming out difficulties (although, I have tons of those problems too), but difficulties pretending to be straight?

I find myself staring at hot guys as I drive next to them, forgetting I have a close straight friend in the passenger seat. I'm having to constantly cover my steps. Being in a relationship with somebody is completely out of the question...

I'm beginning to lose my cool, driving faster, ignoring simple rules, wanting to scream at pedestrians. I don't know why. I've become so unfriendly so quickly. I'm losing my friends, my best friends. Beginning to do things that I don't want to do...

I need help. But until then, I'm going to put the fake smile back up and pretend. Pretend my life feels like it's going to be okay, when in reality it's falling to shit. Pretend that I haven't been crying for no, noticeable, reason almost everyday for the past week. Pretend that I'm not gay. Pretend to not be Me. 

So far, so good.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. But I cannot risk being discovered. Not yet.

Ohh....My.

WOW.

I just saw the premier of Twilight, and I have to say... Amazing. 

Great story! Great characters! Great movie!

and really cute lead actors :P

I Am...

Such an ASSHOLE.

:(

Ahh Man...

I would've preferred to have McCain as president... but either way, Congrats to Obama. 

I wish you luck, and hope you don't fuck up. :)

Why Am I Here?

I haven't even expressed why I'm writing a blog, why I'm starting this new chapter of  honesty in my life.

The story goes:

I am a senior in high school and have just recently decided that I am "gay."  I'm not even sure I really am Gay... but from what's been happening recently in my life, I'm starting to doubt I'm straight, or even bi. For a while now, I've just seem myself as Bi. I've been in only one serious (from what I thought) relationship with a girl. We had a lot of fun, but eventually I just stopped loving her and stopped showing affection for her. I didn't know if it was because I was attracted to other things, or if I just genuinely didn't care about her the same way that I used to. Sooo, I broke up with her. It hurt, but it was the right thing to do. I didn't want to be an asshole that led people on. 

Fast forward about 3 or 4 months. I'm in Seattle for the summer. I go up there every year and next fall will be attending college there. I feel that it's okay to give out that information, because I don't intend on revealing my identity. Anywho... In Seattle, Bored as FUCK, I decide to entertain myself and begin taking pictures of everything! First my little yorkie, Cash, next the scenery from the balcony of the house. Then the camera seemed to shift onto myself. I suddenly wanted to begin Filming myself. Sooo I picked out some music and began lip syncing. That was a failure haha. So I decided to see if anybody else in the world was either equally bored as I, or better at lip syncing than me. There were. 

So I look through these hilarious videos and spot one fellah that really caught my eye. We will call him KYGuy for now, until I can think up a better name. SO, I really really really liked this guy's videos. Totally hilarious, creative, and origional. He is so cute. Anywho, I decided to join in on the video community and started uploading immediately. I found myself wanting  to watch more and more of his videos. 

Fast Forward a couple weeks:

I'm back in Southern California. First day back and there's a birthday to go to. I'm at a friend's house and decide that I want to talk to this cute guy from the internet (KYGuy). Never before have I EVER told any male what I thought about them, or that I was attracted to them. So this was a first, and I was so nervous. I wanted to remain anonymous to him and let him know my feelings before I came out and told him who I was. That didn't work. 

The first time we chatted, I told him I was really attracted to him. And then, all of the sudden, he wrote back "You're kinda cute yourself." I was SHOCKED, DUMBFOUNDED, SWEATING, PRAYING TO GOD HE WAS KIDDING. Little did I know, I was dealing with a professional Google-Goer. lol. Stupid me made it so my video account had the same name as my instant messaging account. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I was soooo embarrassed. Didn't expect it at all. So after about 15 mins or so, I had to go, because I had to help set up for the party. 

The entire time I was at the party or setting up or cleaning up, all I could think about was this guy. The first GUY I ever "came out" to. The first HUMAN BEING I had ever come out to. I was so eager to leave that party that night. I hurried home and plugged in my laptop and jumped online to see if he was still there. He was. Just like he said he would be. :)

We began to talk. Our convo was going great. Then, It got better. He wanted to video chat!! I was so nervous. I was feeling a billion different feelings at once and i Loved It. It was just to see each other face to face. He lives on the other side of the country, btw. :(. So I ran to the bathroom and checked my hair and everything and made sure I looked "Okay." And so it began. It was soooooo awkward. We didn't know what to say to each other. I tried so hard not to always smile and I couldn't keep eye contact because I was just so embarrassed. hahaha. 

The reason I'm telling this story is because KYGuy is the cover to my "gay life" story-book, figuratively of course. He may not know it, or acknowledge it, but he is a very important person in my life. He's helped me understand my sexuality. And he's the only person I have been able to talk to about anything Gay related at all. I tell him everything and he might feel bombarded with all of my emotions, but I'm so happy he's there to help me with what I'm going through. I'm going to give him the link to this blog later tonight... and I don't want him to think negatively of me about writing this about him. I just want him to know how grateful I am that he is in my life, and if I seem kind of clingy, this is why. :)  I need stability in my life and he is a HUGE pillar of trust and confinement that was missing to support me. 

More has gone on between us, but I think he would like me to keep that part private. And I totally respect that. :) 

I look forward to talking to him everyday. I've previously referred to him in my second post "Blahh." He was the friend that I was drunk and talking to. There's so much more to say about him, but thats for another day. 

So for right now, That ^^^ is my short story. I have more to add, but I can't really think clearly right now. I guess that's what Nyquil does to you :P

What The Hell (Happy Ending)

What the Hell is wrong with me.

Sometimes I just get so depressed so quickly over stupid stupid shit.

But something just hit me and it totally reversed my mood.

When I first created this blog, I wanted to give out secrets, explain myself, give my views on everything. But I wanted to do all of this anonymously. So Stupid ME went and gave my URL to a friend that I see almost everyday, and I realized I could NO LONGER be "myself." 

I found out today that you can change your URL!! So I did it! 

Now, I feel so happy and excited to finally be able to share my deepest thoughts with everyone, without being afraid of getting caught or discovered. :) 

Slept In

Rough night.

I'm so sore :/

Time to get ready...

Blahh

Pretty much hung-over. 

And I hate it.

I had a little "kickback" last night and drank a little to much.

I did an awesome dinosaur impression.

I took MANY pics. (Blehh... Evidence)

I kicked some people out who claimed that they knew me.

I HATE COCONUT MAILBU RUM. Nastiest shit EVER.

I am never drinking that much, again.

Also,

I completely humiliated myself while talking to a friend from out of state,

said stupid shit, and not listening to their advice... :(

Damn.

I'm just gonna go take some Ibuprofen and drink some water. Screw food today.

The First of Many

Today, I reveal to the World... my existence. 

Hello Good People of Wherever You Are Currently Situated:

I am Someone, er... I will be. 

I have never before blogged.

I'm definitely new to this whole... Writing thing. 

I'm really bad at it, but who gives a damn. I mean, apparently you don't, or you would've stopped reading.

Right?

hahaha 

Soooo... I'm not sure what to say.

Just basically introducing myself as a new blogger (I'm not even sure I can call myself that just yet).

I'm gonna look around and see what other bloggers have written so that I can an idea of how all this works. But for now, I continue to remain ignorant. 

I know, I know. Doesn't seem too promising, but soon I'll be writing about me and things that I observe and my thoughts on life and its many confusing obstacles.

So bare with me while I figure everything out.

I look forward to better entertaining you in the near future. 

Late.