My Apologies...

Where the fuck have I been??

Sorry I haven't written anything in a month! I've been extremely busy and I am going to make it a priority to make a post explaining everything that has been going on this past month.

Thank You to those who kept/keep in touch through email, twitter, etc. 

Lots to share with you guys 


I Give Up

I give up on trying to hang out with my dad.


I wanted to hang out with my dad last night so I told my work I couldn't come in. I called my dad at about 5 and told him that I was available to hang out. He has meetings every monday and tuesday night and every thursday my little sister comes and stays with me and my dad until sunday. I figured that this would be the one night of the week that we could hang out, just us. 

So I called and left him a message saying that I don't work and we should hang out. He came home at 11 pm and said "I just got your message, sorry man." So I shrugged it off and went to bed. Then about an hour ago, he came home without my little sister and I asked him what time he's going to go get her. He said "oh, she's gonna hang out with her mom tonight." I told him that I don't work and that we should hang out. He said he was going to go pick up his "friend" (this gal, I think they're dating but he doesn't tell me shit so I wouldn't know) and he can't hang out with me tonight. 

That means that starting tomorrow he's going to be busy giving my little sister everything she wants until sunday then he has meetings on monday and tuesday then MAYBE he can schedule in some time for me.

It feels like I have a lump in the middle of my throat. This sucks. 

Don't Worry...

I've been trying really hard NOT to care what other people think about me, but today was a little different.

At lunch I was walking to the bus and a car pulled up to me and rolled down its window. Inside were some of the people in my ASB class and the girl shouted out the window "HEY ____! Get in, we're going to lunch!" and I said "ohh... sorry... I can't. I have to get home. But maybe next time!"

The reason I told them no was because I didn't want them to know that I didn't have any money for lunch, I didn't want them to know that tomorrow is my last day at this school and I have to attend an alternative high school because I'm suddenly fucking up in school, I didn't want them to think of me as one of  THOSE guys. 

I feel so stupid because I shouldn't care what other people think about me, and I did and still do. 

Its hard not to care. 

Other then that, my day went pretty good. Lets hope the rest of the day is better.



An update on the coming out status...

I COMPLETELY came out to my friend yesterday. 
I told her I lied about being bi and told her I was gay. She is totally fine with it.

It's sunny and cool and just a great weekend :)


12 Days, No Post


Time flew since my last post! It seems like only a couple days had pasted.

I really want to start regularly blogging. I have been thinking about micro-blogging (twitter) for a while now. I think its the simplest way to keep everybody updated on the little things that happen throughout my day, instead of trying to remember all the little details and writing a long post at the end of the day. So click here to check out the Twitter page :)

Don't take this the wrong way! I'm still going to be blogging! This is just for fun :P


So... guess what?

I'm switching schools again. This one was all my fault. I seriously fucked up my attendance earlier in the year because I was always sick and depressed.

So now I have to attend an "alternative school." Blehh.. that sounds so bad. I've never had to worry about bad grades or bad attendance. This academic year hit me hard, and I LET it fuck me up. Sorry for the bad language, just venting.

In response to some people, I'm pretty sure my mom knows that I'm gay, or at least bi. My dad, not so sure... but yesterday I met this girl and she was so annoying and loud... she came up to me and whispered in my ear "don't get mad or anything, but are you bi ?" It kinda bothered me that someone just came up to me and asked me. I think what really got to me was the fact that she noticed. Maybe I said something, I don't remember all the details.

Is it that noticeable? And if it is, why haven't other people asked me? Does that mean my dad can tell?

Everyone I have been introduced up here within the past week, I have been totally upfront and honest with them about my orientation. It feels so good to not have to hide it! And my new best friend is bi and she's amazing.

Moving on -- I just want to apologize again for being so distant these past couple weeks. I haven't been texting, IMing, Blogging, or emailing as much as I should be.

Paul asked me if I think my dad tells me he loves me 'no matter what' because he might suspects, and wants me to tell him, that I'm gay.
--I'm going to have to say... No. I came into my dad's life the same year he became sober. He sees me as a blessing in his life. He MIGHT be trying to get me to tell him I'm gay, but... idk. I don't think my dad (at least I hope not) would tell me something that I wanted to hear just so I would come out to him.

More to ponder on! Haha
I'm trying to stay positive everyday. I know I can work through all of this... eventually.

Until Then,


It's Been A While

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging! There has been so much crap going on that it's been hard for me to get anything done. I've been working on college apps so I haven't really wanted to write anything because of all the essay work. Blahh

SOOO much stuff has happened since my last post...

I've been talking to my dad about everything going on in my head, except that I'm gay, and he's been completely helpful and understanding about everything. I also told him that I want to start seeing a therapist just so I can get some things figured out in my head. 

Steevo in Cali has asked me questions about my dad that I think would help all of my readers understand who my dad is.  So here are the questions w/ my response to each:

1. Do you think your dad knows or suspects that you're gay?

Hmm... I'm not sure. Lately he has kinda been avoiding me (at least that's what I think). I've been dropping clues here and there by talking about having thoughts on my mind that make me hate myself sometimes... but I'm not sure if I want him to ask me if I'm gay, or if I should just tell him. 

2. Has he said or done anything to indicate how he might react if/when you tell him the truth?

Yes, he has made it clear that I can NEVER disappoint him... but I think that being Gay is such a huge thing that what he said, may not apply to this. Sometimes he tells 'gay jokes' and makes fun of gay people or how people are dressed or wear their hair. It's so stupid, but I guess everyone does that at one time or another. 

What's funny to me is that if I didn't know my dad and never met him and saw him walking down the street or something, I would think that he's (maybe) gay, at least bi or something. hahaha He has really great style, short spiky hair, nice clothes (google -- Robert Graham, that's all he wears), and he's always smiling and cracking jokes, and he's in great shape, tall, just good looking (sounds like I have a crush on him HAHA). 

BTW, Steevo, your description of him was RIGHT on, except he has light brown hair haha.

3. How 'out' are you to yourself?

Great question. I used to think of myself as Bi, until one night I had that chance to either go to a movie with this girl that I like, or go over to my neighbor's house (whom I was regularly 'hanging out' with) and I chose to go over to his house. 

Sometimes I feel attracted to women but I just know deep down that I really don't care about getting into their pants... but wanting to know if they have an older brother or something. haha

I now know that I am Gay and the only problem that I have with that is that I'm afraid to come out. 

4. How is your relationship between you and your dad?

Our relationship is solid. There are some stuff that I haven't discussed in any posts about my dad. 

Here are the facts:
- I was unaware that my dad (biological dad, one I've been talking about) existed.
- Was made aware of his existence at the age of 8
- Made contact and met in person at age 9
- First time flying to Seattle for a holiday visit, age 9. Every Christmas and part of summer since then.
- Moved in w/ him and his wife and her son at age 12. Lasted 3 months. Moved back to cali.
- Living here permanently starting on Dec. 17thish
- We get along GREAT! Always laughing and talking and just getting to know one another.
- For some reason, his opinion is the only one that matters to me, yet he's always saying how he loves me unconditionally. I just don't want to let him down.

Hopefully this has helped everyone understand why I am so afraid to come out to him, as much as I want to and think about it every minute that I'm awake.

More posts to follow! This is just an update on my dad. Lots more has happened since my last post. :P 

Any other questions about my dad or my 'out' status, just ask and I'll address them in another post



I don't know if I should be posting this, but whatever, its cute. 

Umm... I hung out with this new guy the other day, lets call him AKguy (he's from Alaska) and we've been talking nonstop (via text, haha lame, I know) and he's so funny and knows exactly how to make a person laugh. :D

An example:
Him -- "Hey how u been? Sorry i didn't talk 2 u earlier, didn't have my cell :)"
Me -- "Gettin ready for work, what are you doin tonight?"
Him -- "I'm doin you. Why?"
Me -- "Just making sure =P"
Him -- " Lol, no plans yet. What are you doin later?"

haha this guy is so nice. And having a sense of humor is DEFINITELY a plus.

Lets see what happens after work.

Until Then,

By the way, you need to go on youtube and check out Morgan Page's -- Call My Name. Feat. Tyler James.

Really cool song, if you here the right version.