1/17/09

It's Been A While


I'm sorry I haven't been blogging! There has been so much crap going on that it's been hard for me to get anything done. I've been working on college apps so I haven't really wanted to write anything because of all the essay work. Blahh

SOOO much stuff has happened since my last post...

I've been talking to my dad about everything going on in my head, except that I'm gay, and he's been completely helpful and understanding about everything. I also told him that I want to start seeing a therapist just so I can get some things figured out in my head. 

Steevo in Cali has asked me questions about my dad that I think would help all of my readers understand who my dad is.  So here are the questions w/ my response to each:

1. Do you think your dad knows or suspects that you're gay?

Hmm... I'm not sure. Lately he has kinda been avoiding me (at least that's what I think). I've been dropping clues here and there by talking about having thoughts on my mind that make me hate myself sometimes... but I'm not sure if I want him to ask me if I'm gay, or if I should just tell him. 

2. Has he said or done anything to indicate how he might react if/when you tell him the truth?

Yes, he has made it clear that I can NEVER disappoint him... but I think that being Gay is such a huge thing that what he said, may not apply to this. Sometimes he tells 'gay jokes' and makes fun of gay people or how people are dressed or wear their hair. It's so stupid, but I guess everyone does that at one time or another. 

What's funny to me is that if I didn't know my dad and never met him and saw him walking down the street or something, I would think that he's (maybe) gay, at least bi or something. hahaha He has really great style, short spiky hair, nice clothes (google -- Robert Graham, that's all he wears), and he's always smiling and cracking jokes, and he's in great shape, tall, just good looking (sounds like I have a crush on him HAHA). 

BTW, Steevo, your description of him was RIGHT on, except he has light brown hair haha.

3. How 'out' are you to yourself?

Great question. I used to think of myself as Bi, until one night I had that chance to either go to a movie with this girl that I like, or go over to my neighbor's house (whom I was regularly 'hanging out' with) and I chose to go over to his house. 

Sometimes I feel attracted to women but I just know deep down that I really don't care about getting into their pants... but wanting to know if they have an older brother or something. haha

I now know that I am Gay and the only problem that I have with that is that I'm afraid to come out. 

4. How is your relationship between you and your dad?

Our relationship is solid. There are some stuff that I haven't discussed in any posts about my dad. 

Here are the facts:
- I was unaware that my dad (biological dad, one I've been talking about) existed.
- Was made aware of his existence at the age of 8
- Made contact and met in person at age 9
- First time flying to Seattle for a holiday visit, age 9. Every Christmas and part of summer since then.
- Moved in w/ him and his wife and her son at age 12. Lasted 3 months. Moved back to cali.
- Living here permanently starting on Dec. 17thish
- We get along GREAT! Always laughing and talking and just getting to know one another.
- For some reason, his opinion is the only one that matters to me, yet he's always saying how he loves me unconditionally. I just don't want to let him down.

Hopefully this has helped everyone understand why I am so afraid to come out to him, as much as I want to and think about it every minute that I'm awake.

More posts to follow! This is just an update on my dad. Lots more has happened since my last post. :P 

Any other questions about my dad or my 'out' status, just ask and I'll address them in another post

11 comments:

EM said...

From reading your blog it seems that your parants know somethings been bothering you for a while now and they're understandably worried, maybe they'll be relieved that your "just" gay.

I hope the therapy work out for you.

naturgesetz said...

It's good that you and your dad are on such good terms. It's true that you never know how someone would react if you came out to them, and so I'd never advise someone to do it unless the other person had already said something like, "I don't care if you're gay." OTOH, when someone goes out of his way to insist that he loves you unconditionally, I wouldn't advise against it either. Certainly if he asks, I think you'd be safe being honest.

If he doesn't ask directly, maybe when you get into therapy, you could find a comfortable way of saying that your orientation was something you were talking about.

Looking forward to hearing how you're doing.

Aek said...

Glad to see you posting again! College/uni apps are a pain in the butt. You have a complicated history, but I'm glad your relationship with your dad is so great.

You should come online more often again. ;-)

Best of luck with EVERYTHING!!! :D

Diary of a Mad Latino Man said...

I remember when my dad found out about me being gay... He told me that if he ever caught me with a man that he would kill him. This went on for 2 years and then the day I graduated college my dad hugged me and said he loved me even though I was gay. He knew that Holden was more than just my friend, he was my boyfriend.

I can relate with you brother. My dad is a major politician back home and we are a very well known family state wide. I had to hide for so many years and then one day my dad accepted me. He didn't all on his own and I know the same will happen for you.

My dads best friend in the whole wide world is married and having affairs with his wife with men and my dad didn't want me to be living a lie.

Just know your dad will love you no matter what.

Love,
Peyton

Anonymous said...

Unlike the other posters, I don't think you're in a position to come out to your father any time soon. Perhaps once you've got a couple of years of uni under your belt, it will be a different story. Right now, though, someone who's homophobic (tells gay jokes is by definition homophobic) isn't going to handle his son being gay so easily.

Just my experience.

Steevo said...

I disagree with anonymous above. The default setting for str8 males is gay jokes with out thinking or realizing how hurtful they would be to a son whom he loves. It is a quick wake-up call.

In IMs DL told me that his dad told him he really wants to see MILK. He also specifically sed that he "has no problem with gays".

To me, a gay man who has talked to and listened to and followed up with lots of "DLs" over the years as they struggle to come out, I am 95% sure that dad is actually __inviting__ DL to come out.

I told DL and repeat it here that he should come out to his dad however he wants to when he is ready. And that an important consideration is that his dad is respecting him by giving him all the space and time he needs. And DL has to realize that sharing more of who he is and not hiding is a way to show his dad respect.

But I may be all wrong. That is the risk we all take as we show the world that we are strong and proud.

So, DL, I hope you can come out to the therapist. Not to is to waste time. Practice on him/her.

As I write this comment I am watch PE Obama visiting with some volunteers, shaking hands, getting lots of hugs, etc. I have to admire his courage to do what he has done to become president. I hope the Secret Service does their job very well.

steevo

Anonymous said...

Hi,

To answer your question well more of your statement "Hopefully this has helped everyone understand why I am so afraid to come out to him." NO it doesn't. I just simply think your not ready. There is nothing wrong with that. Your time will come and you'll do it when your ready plain and simple. You'll know when your ready.

Also a question to ponder do you think your father tells you he loves you no matter what inturn thats his way of telling you he suspects possibly your gay and he is waiting for you to tell him?

Paul

Steevo said...

u still alive up there in the big bad NW????

Just a Thought said...

This is the first time I've read this blog and I've only read a few posts, BUT.... Your father tells you that he loves you unconditionally which is either something he says because he doubts that you believe he loves you as much as he does, or because he is filling your head with something you want to hear (and i don't believe that to be true). So if he tells you this, there must be a reason. I believe he knows that you are not telling him something and this uncertainty is driving him mad. Regardless of what other's say about their experiences with their parents your father seems to be a progressive man (coming from Seattle/West Coast) who truly wants to be your life. In order to do this he wants to be completely in tune with who you are and that (in large part) includes your sexuality. It's not about being "gay", it's about the journey of self-identification that everyone goes through. Being gay just happens to be the most prolific moment in the journey of self-identification for those who experience this liberation from social control.

I'm not trying to rant but give it a thought and put yourself in his shoes. Good luck

Anonymous Blogger said...

hey your back!haha

Anonymous said...

12 days no post

people wonder

people worry

wtf