11/28/08

Being Gay...

..Is ruining my life.

I wish I was straight. Having to hide all this bullshit is so hard.

Is there anyone out there having the same difficulties as me? Not coming out difficulties (although, I have tons of those problems too), but difficulties pretending to be straight?

I find myself staring at hot guys as I drive next to them, forgetting I have a close straight friend in the passenger seat. I'm having to constantly cover my steps. Being in a relationship with somebody is completely out of the question...

I'm beginning to lose my cool, driving faster, ignoring simple rules, wanting to scream at pedestrians. I don't know why. I've become so unfriendly so quickly. I'm losing my friends, my best friends. Beginning to do things that I don't want to do...

I need help. But until then, I'm going to put the fake smile back up and pretend. Pretend my life feels like it's going to be okay, when in reality it's falling to shit. Pretend that I haven't been crying for no, noticeable, reason almost everyday for the past week. Pretend that I'm not gay. Pretend to not be Me. 

So far, so good.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. But I cannot risk being discovered. Not yet.

11 comments:

andre21 said...

i think that you are putting the blame in the wrong place. you are just thinking to much about it and blaming everything on you being gay.
and it's not about pretending not to be gay. you can still be yourself, and gay, and not tell people you're gay. its not pretending, it's just not revealing everything just yet.

inebriated said...

i went through all of this in the 8th grade, but it gets easier you just have to relax and be yourself.

and try not to stare too hard, but it gets easier once you get past the paranoia.

Gay Snowboarder said...

Please do not take this the wrong way. Have you considered going to therapy to learn how to cope and channel all these emotions you are going through? Maybe they could prescribe you some anti-depressent drugs to help numb the pain while you go through all of this emotional roller coaster you are going through. I'm a firm believer in therapist, I believe even one should have a shrink. It is so much healing for the soul.

I am hear for you anytime you want to talk. You can e-mail me ok. runnerpeyton@gmail.com

Life will happen and be great for you just wait an see.

Peyton

Lost in Confusion said...

In response to Andre:
I do blame it on me being gay and not being able to tell anyone because it makes me frustrated to have to hide it all the time. But I don't know what would be making me act the way I've been acting lately. To me, that is the only explanation.

Inebriated:
I couldn't imagine going through this at that young of an age. I'm only four years older, but still, that would make it even more difficult. AND I think I'm going to keep staring, just a little more discreetly :P haha

Peyton:
Yes, I visit a family therapist maybe once a month. She really helps me cope with my problems, but I have chosen to keep my "gayness" to myself. I'm not sure why, but I have this bad feeling that she would tell one of my family members. And I'm not sure I believe in numbing the pain with medicine, but I do believe in talking about your problems and how It is good to get them out of your system... I just need to practice that more often.

Thank you guys for listening to me rant. More to come. haha

Gay Snowboarder said...

First of all if your therapist tells your family anything you can sue that person. There is a thing called patient confidential and she can not tell your business not even to the law. Second of all if you feel like you can't trust your therapist then you need to find a different one. Shop around for another one.

Like I said, you are going to be ok. Keep in touch.

Peyton

BC said...

Hey buddy,
Just found your blog. I'm about 12 years older but I could have been you. I waited till 27 to come out. But the anger, resentment, fear and all of that almost completely went away when I came out. Keep us updated on your progress.

Anonymous said...

I just found it was a lot easier if I didn't care what other people thought and went along my own business at my own speed. It took a few years to formally come out (ultimately during college) but by not caring what other people thought I never went through the fear and concern that other people describe.

It isn't an option for everyone, but it worked well for me.

Dude said...

Dude.. hang in there.. I think all of the thoughts & emotions your having are experienced by every gay person in the universe at some time in their life.. and it's usually in high school! High school blows, & life will get unbelievably better once you're outta there!
Being yourself & not caring so much what other people think is the key.. I started coming out when I was 15 years old, but even now, even at twice that age, I still don't parade around town announcing to the world that I happen to be attracted to males.. In fact I'd venture to say that at least 50% of the people I know have no idea! it's ok not to tell everyone, it's none of their business anyways.. just be yourself.

There are plenty of us out there to talk to if you need support.. don't be afraid to reach out.. even to perfect strangers.

James said...

This is something I have gone through. Being from a very religious, conservative background, I was obliged to play the "pretend I'm straight" game for quite a while.

It was only when I had moved out of the house that I came out. Even that took effort, though. I had become depressed to the point of suicide before I realized that my mental health was more important than what others thought of me.

Maybe it'll take until moving out for you to feel comfortable coming out. Maybe things will have to come to a head where you're forced with a choice of your own health or others knowing about your being gay. Either way, it's clear that you, like me, cannot go on living like this forever.

naturgesetz said...

I realized I was gay at about the same point in my life you did. I posted about it on my blog under the heading "Self-Awareness" on November 3.
http://naturgesetz-takecourage.blogspot.com/2008_11_01_archive.html

As you can see from that post and others, I have remained closeted. I didn't become suicidal, and I don't think I became clinically depressed, but I think it hampered my social skills.

The main thing I want to add is that the way I avoided being discovered was by continuing to act as I had before I came to know that I was gay. (The only scary incident, where someone figured out, was because I was doing something unwise: in physics class, if the person who sat behind Bruce was absent, I'd take that seat. Eventually "Dick" suggested that I thought Bruce was cute. I managed to pretend that I was amazed and didn't know why he thought that. And I began shifting to other open seats as well. I don't know if he bought it, but he never said anything again.)

So just go about living as you did, and the probability is that people will not know. There may be a few people who wonder, but they won't know for sure.

And I'm not sure you have to get down on yourself for pretending not to be You. You are being the same person you always were. You are not doing things which would disclose something which is really nobody else's business. They aren't entitled to know, and you're not obligated to tell them.

James makes sense. If it's ruining your mental health, you need to deal with that. But otherwise, just be yourself and keep your secret to yourself as long as you want.

Aek said...

I've had moments where I feel like what you're feeling. And I know my comment here is late, but I hope you're not still feeling down.

My only word of advice is to just breathe. Close your eyes, block out the world, and just breathe. Let it all out in your breathing.