Why Am I Here?

I haven't even expressed why I'm writing a blog, why I'm starting this new chapter of  honesty in my life.

The story goes:
I am a senior in high school and have just recently decided that I am "gay."  I'm not even sure I really am Gay... but from what's been happening recently in my life, I'm starting to doubt I'm straight, or even bi. For a while now, I've just seem myself as Bi. I've been in only one serious (from what I thought) relationship with a girl. We had a lot of fun, but eventually I just stopped loving her and stopped showing affection for her. I didn't know if it was because I was attracted to other things, or if I just genuinely didn't care about her the same way that I used to. Sooo, I broke up with her. It hurt, but it was the right thing to do. I didn't want to be an asshole that led people on. 

Fast forward about 3 or 4 months. I'm in Seattle for the summer. I go up there every year and next fall will be attending college there. I feel that it's okay to give out that information, because I don't intend on revealing my identity. Anywho... In Seattle, Bored as FUCK, I decide to entertain myself and begin taking pictures of everything! First my little yorkie, Cash, next the scenery from the balcony of the house. Then the camera seemed to shift onto myself. I suddenly wanted to begin Filming myself. Sooo I picked out some music and began lip syncing. That was a failure haha. So I decided to see if anybody else in the world was either equally bored as I, or better at lip syncing than me. There were. 

So I look through these hilarious videos and spot one fellah that really caught my eye. We will call him KYGuy for now, until I can think up a better name. SO, I really really really liked this guy's videos. Totally hilarious, creative, and origional. He is so cute. Anywho, I decided to join in on the video community and started uploading immediately. I found myself wanting  to watch more and more of his videos. 

Fast Forward a couple weeks:
I'm back in Southern California. First day back and there's a birthday to go to. I'm at a friend's house and decide that I want to talk to this cute guy from the internet (KYGuy). Never before have I EVER told any male what I thought about them, or that I was attracted to them. So this was a first, and I was so nervous. I wanted to remain anonymous to him and let him know my feelings before I came out and told him who I was. That didn't work. 

The first time we chatted, I told him I was really attracted to him. And then, all of the sudden, he wrote back "You're kinda cute yourself." I was SHOCKED, DUMBFOUNDED, SWEATING, PRAYING TO GOD HE WAS KIDDING. Little did I know, I was dealing with a professional Google-Goer. lol. Stupid me made it so my video account had the same name as my instant messaging account. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I was soooo embarrassed. Didn't expect it at all. So after about 15 mins or so, I had to go, because I had to help set up for the party. 

The entire time I was at the party or setting up or cleaning up, all I could think about was this guy. The first GUY I ever "came out" to. The first HUMAN BEING I had ever come out to. I was so eager to leave that party that night. I hurried home and plugged in my laptop and jumped online to see if he was still there. He was. Just like he said he would be. :)

We began to talk. Our convo was going great. Then, It got better. He wanted to video chat!! I was so nervous. I was feeling a billion different feelings at once and i Loved It. It was just to see each other face to face. He lives on the other side of the country, btw. :(. So I ran to the bathroom and checked my hair and everything and made sure I looked "Okay." And so it began. It was soooooo awkward. We didn't know what to say to each other. I tried so hard not to always smile and I couldn't keep eye contact because I was just so embarrassed. hahaha. 

The reason I'm telling this story is because KYGuy is the cover to my "gay life" story-book, figuratively of course. He may not know it, or acknowledge it, but he is a very important person in my life. He's helped me understand my sexuality. And he's the only person I have been able to talk to about anything Gay related at all. I tell him everything and he might feel bombarded with all of my emotions, but I'm so happy he's there to help me with what I'm going through. I'm going to give him the link to this blog later tonight... and I don't want him to think negatively of me about writing this about him. I just want him to know how grateful I am that he is in my life, and if I seem kind of clingy, this is why. :)  I need stability in my life and he is a HUGE pillar of trust and confinement that was missing to support me. 

More has gone on between us, but I think he would like me to keep that part private. And I totally respect that. :) 
I look forward to talking to him everyday. I've previously referred to him in my second post "Blahh." He was the friend that I was drunk and talking to. There's so much more to say about him, but thats for another day. 

So for right now, That ^^^ is my short story. I have more to add, but I can't really think clearly right now. I guess that's what Nyquil does to you :P

1 comment:

Steevo said...

u need comments..
i am a HS teacher in northern CA...

u mite like some of my blog postings...

sounds like a great Sr year!!!

There r several socal guys on my blogroll.

I'm out at school. Also a sex ed teacher. And a good one. NOt all I teach. There r several sections and lotta kids want in my section... it is the juiciest I guess.

All my contact stuff is on my blog. Just holler if u have like questions...

steevo in cali