It's Been A While

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging! There has been so much crap going on that it's been hard for me to get anything done. I've been working on college apps so I haven't really wanted to write anything because of all the essay work. Blahh

SOOO much stuff has happened since my last post...

I've been talking to my dad about everything going on in my head, except that I'm gay, and he's been completely helpful and understanding about everything. I also told him that I want to start seeing a therapist just so I can get some things figured out in my head. 

Steevo in Cali has asked me questions about my dad that I think would help all of my readers understand who my dad is.  So here are the questions w/ my response to each:

1. Do you think your dad knows or suspects that you're gay?

Hmm... I'm not sure. Lately he has kinda been avoiding me (at least that's what I think). I've been dropping clues here and there by talking about having thoughts on my mind that make me hate myself sometimes... but I'm not sure if I want him to ask me if I'm gay, or if I should just tell him. 

2. Has he said or done anything to indicate how he might react if/when you tell him the truth?

Yes, he has made it clear that I can NEVER disappoint him... but I think that being Gay is such a huge thing that what he said, may not apply to this. Sometimes he tells 'gay jokes' and makes fun of gay people or how people are dressed or wear their hair. It's so stupid, but I guess everyone does that at one time or another. 

What's funny to me is that if I didn't know my dad and never met him and saw him walking down the street or something, I would think that he's (maybe) gay, at least bi or something. hahaha He has really great style, short spiky hair, nice clothes (google -- Robert Graham, that's all he wears), and he's always smiling and cracking jokes, and he's in great shape, tall, just good looking (sounds like I have a crush on him HAHA). 

BTW, Steevo, your description of him was RIGHT on, except he has light brown hair haha.

3. How 'out' are you to yourself?

Great question. I used to think of myself as Bi, until one night I had that chance to either go to a movie with this girl that I like, or go over to my neighbor's house (whom I was regularly 'hanging out' with) and I chose to go over to his house. 

Sometimes I feel attracted to women but I just know deep down that I really don't care about getting into their pants... but wanting to know if they have an older brother or something. haha

I now know that I am Gay and the only problem that I have with that is that I'm afraid to come out. 

4. How is your relationship between you and your dad?

Our relationship is solid. There are some stuff that I haven't discussed in any posts about my dad. 

Here are the facts:

- I was unaware that my dad (biological dad, one I've been talking about) existed.

- Was made aware of his existence at the age of 8

- Made contact and met in person at age 9

- First time flying to Seattle for a holiday visit, age 9. Every Christmas and part of summer since then.

- Moved in w/ him and his wife and her son at age 12. Lasted 3 months. Moved back to cali.

- Living here permanently starting on Dec. 17thish. 

- We get along GREAT! Always laughing and talking and just getting to know one another.

- For some reason, his opinion is the only one that matters to me, yet he's always saying how he loves me unconditionally. I just don't want to let him down.

Hopefully this has helped everyone understand why I am so afraid to come out to him, as much as I want to and think about it every minute that I'm awake.

More posts to follow! This is just an update on my dad. Lots more has happened since my last post. :P 

Any other questions about my dad or my 'out' status, just ask and I'll address them in another post

Some Type of Meltdown

You would think that by me moving and having more time to myself, I would be able to focus and clear my mind. Wrong, so wrong. Instead, I just get more time to dwell on my thoughts and continue to feel sorry for myself. I fucking HATE me. 

I need some type of help, because I know that there's NOTHING I can do to stop feeling this way. I hate it. I thought (especially after yesterday) that I was done feeling the way I do, but I guess I just lied to myself... again. Every little thing has been setting me off today... I thought I was happy again. I was feeling truthful again. Now I just feel fucking stupid. 

Yesterday, I tried to come out to someone... 

That blew up in my face. :(

I don't think I've cried that hard in a long time... and still crying...

It helps to have someone to talk to about it... (thank you, btw) but I don't like throwing my emotions onto other people. UGH, I'm doing it now, I know. But I don't know where else to go. I can't talk about this to anyone in person... 

Nothing I can do. I thought that being here would help me. 

But now I don't want to be here... 

No, I refuse to see anybody about my "problem" because I'm embarrassed... and I'm ashamed. 

How I'm going to deal with this, I have no idea. As of right now, I have a giant lump of depression in my throat and I can't swallow it. 

If I don't write back for a few days, it's because I'm to pissed to put my feelings into words. 

Not to sound dumb or anything, but I can't believe how bad it hurts to deal with this.

First Day at the New School

I can't even describe this place. Really neat campus, covered in snow this freezing cold morning.

It feels good to be the new guy. All eyes on me :P

See...

In a previous post, "The Good and The Bad," I quickly said this was my 14th school. My family moves... frequently. It's normal to move maybe twice or three times per school year. We try to stay in the same city, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. I have absolutely no control over where we move, and I've come to accept that. I've lived in California for most of my life, but have lived in Vegas, Seattle, and Iowa. 

I'm happy that my parents decided to make me start over in a new place, yet sad that they made me leave at such a crucial point in my life. I'm a senior in High School and I'm trying to set up my life. They know that I'm having difficulties, but I refuse to let them in. I can't tell them that the reason I've been acting so different lately is because I want to be myself. But I can't. :/ ugh. 

No more moving for me. At least, not until I move to the campus for college. 

Anywho... it's so cold here! Currently 24 degrees! Someone come and keep me warm =)

Looking forward to the snow on Wednesday night! The mountains are COVERED with powder! Skiing next week probably! 

OH! I met someone yesterday... he's really handsome and really nice. Coffee plans later this week. Lets see how it goes :)

Until My Next Random Thought,

DL

Great...

Now I'm the bad guy. Just when I thought I could be honest with myself and the people I care about...

I feel so stupid, and so ashamed. But you can't be a hypocrite. 

I'm braking rules... but not in the way that you would think.

Stuck. Great.

Fuck

Chinga Mi Vida

Being Gay...

..Is ruining my life.

I wish I was straight. Having to hide all this bullshit is so hard.

Is there anyone out there having the same difficulties as me? Not coming out difficulties (although, I have tons of those problems too), but difficulties pretending to be straight?

I find myself staring at hot guys as I drive next to them, forgetting I have a close straight friend in the passenger seat. I'm having to constantly cover my steps. Being in a relationship with somebody is completely out of the question...

I'm beginning to lose my cool, driving faster, ignoring simple rules, wanting to scream at pedestrians. I don't know why. I've become so unfriendly so quickly. I'm losing my friends, my best friends. Beginning to do things that I don't want to do...

I need help. But until then, I'm going to put the fake smile back up and pretend. Pretend my life feels like it's going to be okay, when in reality it's falling to shit. Pretend that I haven't been crying for no, noticeable, reason almost everyday for the past week. Pretend that I'm not gay. Pretend to not be Me. 

So far, so good.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. But I cannot risk being discovered. Not yet.

I Am...

Such an ASSHOLE.

:(

What The Hell (Happy Ending)

What the Hell is wrong with me.

Sometimes I just get so depressed so quickly over stupid stupid shit.

But something just hit me and it totally reversed my mood.

When I first created this blog, I wanted to give out secrets, explain myself, give my views on everything. But I wanted to do all of this anonymously. So Stupid ME went and gave my URL to a friend that I see almost everyday, and I realized I could NO LONGER be "myself." 

I found out today that you can change your URL!! So I did it! 

Now, I feel so happy and excited to finally be able to share my deepest thoughts with everyone, without being afraid of getting caught or discovered. :) 

The First of Many

Today, I reveal to the World... my existence. 

Hello Good People of Wherever You Are Currently Situated:

I am Someone, er... I will be. 

I have never before blogged.

I'm definitely new to this whole... Writing thing. 

I'm really bad at it, but who gives a damn. I mean, apparently you don't, or you would've stopped reading.

Right?

hahaha 

Soooo... I'm not sure what to say.

Just basically introducing myself as a new blogger (I'm not even sure I can call myself that just yet).

I'm gonna look around and see what other bloggers have written so that I can an idea of how all this works. But for now, I continue to remain ignorant. 

I know, I know. Doesn't seem too promising, but soon I'll be writing about me and things that I observe and my thoughts on life and its many confusing obstacles.

So bare with me while I figure everything out.

I look forward to better entertaining you in the near future. 

Late.