I'm sorry I haven't been blogging! There has been so much crap going on that it's been hard for me to get anything done. I've been working on college apps so I haven't really wanted to write anything because of all the essay work. Blahh
SOOO much stuff has happened since my last post...
I've been talking to my dad about everything going on in my head, except that I'm gay, and he's been completely helpful and understanding about everything. I also told him that I want to start seeing a therapist just so I can get some things figured out in my head.
Steevo in Cali has asked me questions about my dad that I think would help all of my readers understand who my dad is. So here are the questions w/ my response to each:
1. Do you think your dad knows or suspects that you're gay?
Hmm... I'm not sure. Lately he has kinda been avoiding me (at least that's what I think). I've been dropping clues here and there by talking about having thoughts on my mind that make me hate myself sometimes... but I'm not sure if I want him to ask me if I'm gay, or if I should just tell him.
2. Has he said or done anything to indicate how he might react if/when you tell him the truth?
Yes, he has made it clear that I can NEVER disappoint him... but I think that being Gay is such a huge thing that what he said, may not apply to this. Sometimes he tells 'gay jokes' and makes fun of gay people or how people are dressed or wear their hair. It's so stupid, but I guess everyone does that at one time or another.
What's funny to me is that if I didn't know my dad and never met him and saw him walking down the street or something, I would think that he's (maybe) gay, at least bi or something. hahaha He has really great style, short spiky hair, nice clothes (google -- Robert Graham, that's all he wears), and he's always smiling and cracking jokes, and he's in great shape, tall, just good looking (sounds like I have a crush on him HAHA).
BTW, Steevo, your description of him was RIGHT on, except he has light brown hair haha.
3. How 'out' are you to yourself?
Great question. I used to think of myself as Bi, until one night I had that chance to either go to a movie with this girl that I like, or go over to my neighbor's house (whom I was regularly 'hanging out' with) and I chose to go over to his house.
Sometimes I feel attracted to women but I just know deep down that I really don't care about getting into their pants... but wanting to know if they have an older brother or something. haha
I now know that I am Gay and the only problem that I have with that is that I'm afraid to come out.
4. How is your relationship between you and your dad?
Our relationship is solid. There are some stuff that I haven't discussed in any posts about my dad.
Here are the facts:
- I was unaware that my dad (biological dad, one I've been talking about) existed.
- Was made aware of his existence at the age of 8
- Made contact and met in person at age 9
- First time flying to Seattle for a holiday visit, age 9. Every Christmas and part of summer since then.
- Moved in w/ him and his wife and her son at age 12. Lasted 3 months. Moved back to cali.
- Living here permanently starting on Dec. 17thish.
- We get along GREAT! Always laughing and talking and just getting to know one another.
- For some reason, his opinion is the only one that matters to me, yet he's always saying how he loves me unconditionally. I just don't want to let him down.
Hopefully this has helped everyone understand why I am so afraid to come out to him, as much as I want to and think about it every minute that I'm awake.
More posts to follow! This is just an update on my dad. Lots more has happened since my last post. :P
Any other questions about my dad or my 'out' status, just ask and I'll address them in another post
