Update

An update on the coming out status...

I COMPLETELY came out to my friend yesterday. 

I told her I lied about being bi and told her I was gay. She is totally fine with it.

It's sunny and cool and just a great weekend :)

12 Days, No Post

Wow.

Time flew since my last post! It seems like only a couple days had pasted.

I really want to start regularly blogging. I have been thinking about micro-blogging (twitter) for a while now. I think its the simplest way to keep everybody updated on the little things that happen throughout my day, instead of trying to remember all the little details and writing a long post at the end of the day. So click here to check out the Twitter page :)

Don't take this the wrong way! I'm still going to be blogging! This is just for fun :P

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So... guess what?

I'm switching schools again. This one was all my fault. I seriously fucked up my attendance earlier in the year because I was always sick and depressed.

So now I have to attend an "alternative school." Blehh.. that sounds so bad. I've never had to worry about bad grades or bad attendance. This academic year hit me hard, and I LET it fuck me up. Sorry for the bad language, just venting.



In response to some people, I'm pretty sure my mom knows that I'm gay, or at least bi. My dad, not so sure... but yesterday I met this girl and she was so annoying and loud... she came up to me and whispered in my ear "don't get mad or anything, but are you bi ?" It kinda bothered me that someone just came up to me and asked me. I think what really got to me was the fact that she noticed. Maybe I said something, I don't remember all the details.

Is it that noticeable? And if it is, why haven't other people asked me? Does that mean my dad can tell?

Everyone I have been introduced up here within the past week, I have been totally upfront and honest with them about my orientation. It feels so good to not have to hide it! And my new best friend is bi and she's amazing.

Moving on -- I just want to apologize again for being so distant these past couple weeks. I haven't been texting, IMing, Blogging, or emailing as much as I should be.

Paul asked me if I think my dad tells me he loves me 'no matter what' because he might suspects, and wants me to tell him, that I'm gay.
--I'm going to have to say... No. I came into my dad's life the same year he became sober. He sees me as a blessing in his life. He MIGHT be trying to get me to tell him I'm gay, but... idk. I don't think my dad (at least I hope not) would tell me something that I wanted to hear just so I would come out to him.

More to ponder on! Haha
I'm trying to stay positive everyday. I know I can work through all of this... eventually.

Until Then,
DL

It's Been A While

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging! There has been so much crap going on that it's been hard for me to get anything done. I've been working on college apps so I haven't really wanted to write anything because of all the essay work. Blahh

SOOO much stuff has happened since my last post...

I've been talking to my dad about everything going on in my head, except that I'm gay, and he's been completely helpful and understanding about everything. I also told him that I want to start seeing a therapist just so I can get some things figured out in my head. 

Steevo in Cali has asked me questions about my dad that I think would help all of my readers understand who my dad is.  So here are the questions w/ my response to each:

1. Do you think your dad knows or suspects that you're gay?

Hmm... I'm not sure. Lately he has kinda been avoiding me (at least that's what I think). I've been dropping clues here and there by talking about having thoughts on my mind that make me hate myself sometimes... but I'm not sure if I want him to ask me if I'm gay, or if I should just tell him. 

2. Has he said or done anything to indicate how he might react if/when you tell him the truth?

Yes, he has made it clear that I can NEVER disappoint him... but I think that being Gay is such a huge thing that what he said, may not apply to this. Sometimes he tells 'gay jokes' and makes fun of gay people or how people are dressed or wear their hair. It's so stupid, but I guess everyone does that at one time or another. 

What's funny to me is that if I didn't know my dad and never met him and saw him walking down the street or something, I would think that he's (maybe) gay, at least bi or something. hahaha He has really great style, short spiky hair, nice clothes (google -- Robert Graham, that's all he wears), and he's always smiling and cracking jokes, and he's in great shape, tall, just good looking (sounds like I have a crush on him HAHA). 

BTW, Steevo, your description of him was RIGHT on, except he has light brown hair haha.

3. How 'out' are you to yourself?

Great question. I used to think of myself as Bi, until one night I had that chance to either go to a movie with this girl that I like, or go over to my neighbor's house (whom I was regularly 'hanging out' with) and I chose to go over to his house. 

Sometimes I feel attracted to women but I just know deep down that I really don't care about getting into their pants... but wanting to know if they have an older brother or something. haha

I now know that I am Gay and the only problem that I have with that is that I'm afraid to come out. 

4. How is your relationship between you and your dad?

Our relationship is solid. There are some stuff that I haven't discussed in any posts about my dad. 

Here are the facts:

- I was unaware that my dad (biological dad, one I've been talking about) existed.

- Was made aware of his existence at the age of 8

- Made contact and met in person at age 9

- First time flying to Seattle for a holiday visit, age 9. Every Christmas and part of summer since then.

- Moved in w/ him and his wife and her son at age 12. Lasted 3 months. Moved back to cali.

- Living here permanently starting on Dec. 17thish. 

- We get along GREAT! Always laughing and talking and just getting to know one another.

- For some reason, his opinion is the only one that matters to me, yet he's always saying how he loves me unconditionally. I just don't want to let him down.

Hopefully this has helped everyone understand why I am so afraid to come out to him, as much as I want to and think about it every minute that I'm awake.

More posts to follow! This is just an update on my dad. Lots more has happened since my last post. :P 

Any other questions about my dad or my 'out' status, just ask and I'll address them in another post

Some Type of Meltdown

You would think that by me moving and having more time to myself, I would be able to focus and clear my mind. Wrong, so wrong. Instead, I just get more time to dwell on my thoughts and continue to feel sorry for myself. I fucking HATE me. 

I need some type of help, because I know that there's NOTHING I can do to stop feeling this way. I hate it. I thought (especially after yesterday) that I was done feeling the way I do, but I guess I just lied to myself... again. Every little thing has been setting me off today... I thought I was happy again. I was feeling truthful again. Now I just feel fucking stupid. 

Yesterday, I tried to come out to someone... 

That blew up in my face. :(

I don't think I've cried that hard in a long time... and still crying...

It helps to have someone to talk to about it... (thank you, btw) but I don't like throwing my emotions onto other people. UGH, I'm doing it now, I know. But I don't know where else to go. I can't talk about this to anyone in person... 

Nothing I can do. I thought that being here would help me. 

But now I don't want to be here... 

No, I refuse to see anybody about my "problem" because I'm embarrassed... and I'm ashamed. 

How I'm going to deal with this, I have no idea. As of right now, I have a giant lump of depression in my throat and I can't swallow it. 

If I don't write back for a few days, it's because I'm to pissed to put my feelings into words. 

Not to sound dumb or anything, but I can't believe how bad it hurts to deal with this.

The Good and The Bad

So, it has been 11 days since my last blog-fession. *a word??

There has been so much shit flying around, its ridiculous. 

1. My parents decided, since I've been so down lately, that it might be best if I finished school in Seattle. I was told this on Tuesday night and I was gone by that Sunday. I can't believe that my parents made me move HALF WAY through my senior year! But they said that it was "for the best" and I give all my faith into the hands of my parents, and if they say it will help me, then I will accept it and go with it. As much as I REALLY didn't want to leave, there was nothing I could do about it.  The good that will come of these decisions will be fantastic and hopefully help me to further understand myself, etc. 

2. My moms best friend came up to me, while I was in bed chatting with a gay friend, and decided to bombard me with questions. She told me that it was okay for me to tell her anything and how she would never tell my parents and blahh blahh blahh... Then she started asking me if I knew why I had been so depressed recently and I instantly made up this total bullshit story about a girl and grades. That didn't stop her. The second she said "I think I know what's been messing with your life," I almost shit my pants. Was she really going to assume and ask me if I was gay?? I barely even know this lady! Why the FUCK would I come out to her?! Anywho... she said that she's seen this pattern before (yeah, I'm not stupid) and that she thinks I might be gay. I just denied it and gave good examples of why I was straight. I hate lying about this, but really? Is it any of your fucking business? Why the hell would I tell you if I'm gay? Seriously. So after our "heart to heart" she left and I went back to chatting. I feel really heartless for saying it like this, but I know that me being gay and not telling anybody is why I've been acting the way I've been. Blogging is my way of coming out, one step at a time.

3. Saying Goodbye. That pretty much sums that up.

4. Beginning Anew. I know that by being here I will stay much more focused with my academics and it gives me a chance to start out... OUT. kinda. I'm not sure if I want to do that, yet. If not, there's still college, right? So this is school number 14. Lets hope I can pull myself together and not fuck this one up. :)

Thank You guys who commented my other posts. All commentary is greatly appreciated and taken note of. You guys are some of my only connections to the "Real World," one that You can be You and don't have to worry about anything. I want that, and one day I'll have the guts to do what I need to do to achieve it. But for now, I'm just gonna stick to this.

Until Then,

-- DL

Being Gay...

..Is ruining my life.

I wish I was straight. Having to hide all this bullshit is so hard.

Is there anyone out there having the same difficulties as me? Not coming out difficulties (although, I have tons of those problems too), but difficulties pretending to be straight?

I find myself staring at hot guys as I drive next to them, forgetting I have a close straight friend in the passenger seat. I'm having to constantly cover my steps. Being in a relationship with somebody is completely out of the question...

I'm beginning to lose my cool, driving faster, ignoring simple rules, wanting to scream at pedestrians. I don't know why. I've become so unfriendly so quickly. I'm losing my friends, my best friends. Beginning to do things that I don't want to do...

I need help. But until then, I'm going to put the fake smile back up and pretend. Pretend my life feels like it's going to be okay, when in reality it's falling to shit. Pretend that I haven't been crying for no, noticeable, reason almost everyday for the past week. Pretend that I'm not gay. Pretend to not be Me. 

So far, so good.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. But I cannot risk being discovered. Not yet.

Why Am I Here?

I haven't even expressed why I'm writing a blog, why I'm starting this new chapter of  honesty in my life.

The story goes:

I am a senior in high school and have just recently decided that I am "gay."  I'm not even sure I really am Gay... but from what's been happening recently in my life, I'm starting to doubt I'm straight, or even bi. For a while now, I've just seem myself as Bi. I've been in only one serious (from what I thought) relationship with a girl. We had a lot of fun, but eventually I just stopped loving her and stopped showing affection for her. I didn't know if it was because I was attracted to other things, or if I just genuinely didn't care about her the same way that I used to. Sooo, I broke up with her. It hurt, but it was the right thing to do. I didn't want to be an asshole that led people on. 

Fast forward about 3 or 4 months. I'm in Seattle for the summer. I go up there every year and next fall will be attending college there. I feel that it's okay to give out that information, because I don't intend on revealing my identity. Anywho... In Seattle, Bored as FUCK, I decide to entertain myself and begin taking pictures of everything! First my little yorkie, Cash, next the scenery from the balcony of the house. Then the camera seemed to shift onto myself. I suddenly wanted to begin Filming myself. Sooo I picked out some music and began lip syncing. That was a failure haha. So I decided to see if anybody else in the world was either equally bored as I, or better at lip syncing than me. There were. 

So I look through these hilarious videos and spot one fellah that really caught my eye. We will call him KYGuy for now, until I can think up a better name. SO, I really really really liked this guy's videos. Totally hilarious, creative, and origional. He is so cute. Anywho, I decided to join in on the video community and started uploading immediately. I found myself wanting  to watch more and more of his videos. 

Fast Forward a couple weeks:

I'm back in Southern California. First day back and there's a birthday to go to. I'm at a friend's house and decide that I want to talk to this cute guy from the internet (KYGuy). Never before have I EVER told any male what I thought about them, or that I was attracted to them. So this was a first, and I was so nervous. I wanted to remain anonymous to him and let him know my feelings before I came out and told him who I was. That didn't work. 

The first time we chatted, I told him I was really attracted to him. And then, all of the sudden, he wrote back "You're kinda cute yourself." I was SHOCKED, DUMBFOUNDED, SWEATING, PRAYING TO GOD HE WAS KIDDING. Little did I know, I was dealing with a professional Google-Goer. lol. Stupid me made it so my video account had the same name as my instant messaging account. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I was soooo embarrassed. Didn't expect it at all. So after about 15 mins or so, I had to go, because I had to help set up for the party. 

The entire time I was at the party or setting up or cleaning up, all I could think about was this guy. The first GUY I ever "came out" to. The first HUMAN BEING I had ever come out to. I was so eager to leave that party that night. I hurried home and plugged in my laptop and jumped online to see if he was still there. He was. Just like he said he would be. :)

We began to talk. Our convo was going great. Then, It got better. He wanted to video chat!! I was so nervous. I was feeling a billion different feelings at once and i Loved It. It was just to see each other face to face. He lives on the other side of the country, btw. :(. So I ran to the bathroom and checked my hair and everything and made sure I looked "Okay." And so it began. It was soooooo awkward. We didn't know what to say to each other. I tried so hard not to always smile and I couldn't keep eye contact because I was just so embarrassed. hahaha. 

The reason I'm telling this story is because KYGuy is the cover to my "gay life" story-book, figuratively of course. He may not know it, or acknowledge it, but he is a very important person in my life. He's helped me understand my sexuality. And he's the only person I have been able to talk to about anything Gay related at all. I tell him everything and he might feel bombarded with all of my emotions, but I'm so happy he's there to help me with what I'm going through. I'm going to give him the link to this blog later tonight... and I don't want him to think negatively of me about writing this about him. I just want him to know how grateful I am that he is in my life, and if I seem kind of clingy, this is why. :)  I need stability in my life and he is a HUGE pillar of trust and confinement that was missing to support me. 

More has gone on between us, but I think he would like me to keep that part private. And I totally respect that. :) 

I look forward to talking to him everyday. I've previously referred to him in my second post "Blahh." He was the friend that I was drunk and talking to. There's so much more to say about him, but thats for another day. 

So for right now, That ^^^ is my short story. I have more to add, but I can't really think clearly right now. I guess that's what Nyquil does to you :P