Don't Worry...

I've been trying really hard NOT to care what other people think about me, but today was a little different.

At lunch I was walking to the bus and a car pulled up to me and rolled down its window. Inside were some of the people in my ASB class and the girl shouted out the window "HEY ____! Get in, we're going to lunch!" and I said "ohh... sorry... I can't. I have to get home. But maybe next time!"

The reason I told them no was because I didn't want them to know that I didn't have any money for lunch, I didn't want them to know that tomorrow is my last day at this school and I have to attend an alternative high school because I'm suddenly fucking up in school, I didn't want them to think of me as one of  THOSE guys. 

I feel so stupid because I shouldn't care what other people think about me, and I did and still do. 

Its hard not to care. 

Other then that, my day went pretty good. Lets hope the rest of the day is better.

12 Days, No Post

Wow.

Time flew since my last post! It seems like only a couple days had pasted.

I really want to start regularly blogging. I have been thinking about micro-blogging (twitter) for a while now. I think its the simplest way to keep everybody updated on the little things that happen throughout my day, instead of trying to remember all the little details and writing a long post at the end of the day. So click here to check out the Twitter page :)

Don't take this the wrong way! I'm still going to be blogging! This is just for fun :P

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So... guess what?

I'm switching schools again. This one was all my fault. I seriously fucked up my attendance earlier in the year because I was always sick and depressed.

So now I have to attend an "alternative school." Blehh.. that sounds so bad. I've never had to worry about bad grades or bad attendance. This academic year hit me hard, and I LET it fuck me up. Sorry for the bad language, just venting.



In response to some people, I'm pretty sure my mom knows that I'm gay, or at least bi. My dad, not so sure... but yesterday I met this girl and she was so annoying and loud... she came up to me and whispered in my ear "don't get mad or anything, but are you bi ?" It kinda bothered me that someone just came up to me and asked me. I think what really got to me was the fact that she noticed. Maybe I said something, I don't remember all the details.

Is it that noticeable? And if it is, why haven't other people asked me? Does that mean my dad can tell?

Everyone I have been introduced up here within the past week, I have been totally upfront and honest with them about my orientation. It feels so good to not have to hide it! And my new best friend is bi and she's amazing.

Moving on -- I just want to apologize again for being so distant these past couple weeks. I haven't been texting, IMing, Blogging, or emailing as much as I should be.

Paul asked me if I think my dad tells me he loves me 'no matter what' because he might suspects, and wants me to tell him, that I'm gay.
--I'm going to have to say... No. I came into my dad's life the same year he became sober. He sees me as a blessing in his life. He MIGHT be trying to get me to tell him I'm gay, but... idk. I don't think my dad (at least I hope not) would tell me something that I wanted to hear just so I would come out to him.

More to ponder on! Haha
I'm trying to stay positive everyday. I know I can work through all of this... eventually.

Until Then,
DL

First Day at the New School

I can't even describe this place. Really neat campus, covered in snow this freezing cold morning.

It feels good to be the new guy. All eyes on me :P

See...

In a previous post, "The Good and The Bad," I quickly said this was my 14th school. My family moves... frequently. It's normal to move maybe twice or three times per school year. We try to stay in the same city, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. I have absolutely no control over where we move, and I've come to accept that. I've lived in California for most of my life, but have lived in Vegas, Seattle, and Iowa. 

I'm happy that my parents decided to make me start over in a new place, yet sad that they made me leave at such a crucial point in my life. I'm a senior in High School and I'm trying to set up my life. They know that I'm having difficulties, but I refuse to let them in. I can't tell them that the reason I've been acting so different lately is because I want to be myself. But I can't. :/ ugh. 

No more moving for me. At least, not until I move to the campus for college. 

Anywho... it's so cold here! Currently 24 degrees! Someone come and keep me warm =)

Looking forward to the snow on Wednesday night! The mountains are COVERED with powder! Skiing next week probably! 

OH! I met someone yesterday... he's really handsome and really nice. Coffee plans later this week. Lets see how it goes :)

Until My Next Random Thought,

DL

The Good and The Bad

So, it has been 11 days since my last blog-fession. *a word??

There has been so much shit flying around, its ridiculous. 

1. My parents decided, since I've been so down lately, that it might be best if I finished school in Seattle. I was told this on Tuesday night and I was gone by that Sunday. I can't believe that my parents made me move HALF WAY through my senior year! But they said that it was "for the best" and I give all my faith into the hands of my parents, and if they say it will help me, then I will accept it and go with it. As much as I REALLY didn't want to leave, there was nothing I could do about it.  The good that will come of these decisions will be fantastic and hopefully help me to further understand myself, etc. 

2. My moms best friend came up to me, while I was in bed chatting with a gay friend, and decided to bombard me with questions. She told me that it was okay for me to tell her anything and how she would never tell my parents and blahh blahh blahh... Then she started asking me if I knew why I had been so depressed recently and I instantly made up this total bullshit story about a girl and grades. That didn't stop her. The second she said "I think I know what's been messing with your life," I almost shit my pants. Was she really going to assume and ask me if I was gay?? I barely even know this lady! Why the FUCK would I come out to her?! Anywho... she said that she's seen this pattern before (yeah, I'm not stupid) and that she thinks I might be gay. I just denied it and gave good examples of why I was straight. I hate lying about this, but really? Is it any of your fucking business? Why the hell would I tell you if I'm gay? Seriously. So after our "heart to heart" she left and I went back to chatting. I feel really heartless for saying it like this, but I know that me being gay and not telling anybody is why I've been acting the way I've been. Blogging is my way of coming out, one step at a time.

3. Saying Goodbye. That pretty much sums that up.

4. Beginning Anew. I know that by being here I will stay much more focused with my academics and it gives me a chance to start out... OUT. kinda. I'm not sure if I want to do that, yet. If not, there's still college, right? So this is school number 14. Lets hope I can pull myself together and not fuck this one up. :)

Thank You guys who commented my other posts. All commentary is greatly appreciated and taken note of. You guys are some of my only connections to the "Real World," one that You can be You and don't have to worry about anything. I want that, and one day I'll have the guts to do what I need to do to achieve it. But for now, I'm just gonna stick to this.

Until Then,

-- DL